yesterday was a sad sad day.
Saturday, April 26, 2008 @ 10:30 PM
okay. i admit it. i cried buckets last night. demoralised and beaten. sometimes i just don't know where to draw strength from. it's like doing so much and yet not reciprocated. it's like i was put here as a joke. to be made fun of, to be trampled upon and humiliated. and yes, i didn't cry. tear maybe. at that point in time i mean. i held back and resisted the urge to let it all out. to let everything bad that had happened through the day out. painful yes. but it kinda reminded me of where i started out from. in the beginning. and fears started to form within me. like i had just run so far only to realise i'm running backwards back to the finish line. or i have merely been negatively displaced. hate that feeling. pride maybe. but rather felt a sense of futility.
bypassing all that emo talk, i went swimming today with cel and lina. finally learnt something. haha. i shall not elaborate cos it'll only lead to my embarrassment. haha. but i must say im feeling much happier now. im not an emo person by nature lah. can't stay emo for so long. will kill myself. played abit of frisbee with the yc people. and made myself abit depressed. germaine will know why lah. haha. thanks for all the talks that we've had. you really listen well. and tell me the right stuff and all. and thanks for always having faith in THAT.
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meiqi: hahaha.. yesh pls. many many. and im not bouncy! im just crazy lah! :D
jo/corde: yes i like the mattress! who didn't? at least no backaches as with all the other camps. :D i was so determined not to get backaches i even brought a pillow okay. so of course i liked the mattress lah! :D
my dilemma
Monday, April 21, 2008 @ 9:08 PM
realised that actual blogging is a luxury nowadays. don't really have time to sit down and think about stuff. godma came just now and had a talk with me. cried buckets. okay. emotional me. but it really felt nice to know that someone believed in you for who you are. and not judge you against what the world wants you to be. esp when u fall short of it and people laugh and point fingers at you. it can be so trying sometimes. crying it out felt good. realised that i just kept running away after that. just kept running. i didn't dare to stop and think of the alternative. nor of any consequence. i just didn't wanna face it. since it's forced on me today, had no choice yeah. felt much better after letting out all my frustrations. and it was good to be reminded that god is with me through it all. no matter what happens. even if im asked to leave after mid years, it won't make me less of a person. it prob just means im not suited for this path i guess.
and other things i kept inside. it's frustrating to wait one after another. when one storm calms, another seems to stir at the other end. don't know how im gna cross it definitely.
all the ambiguity's killing me. anxious, excited yet afraid at the same time. shoess asked a good question today.
are you ever gonna tell? no was my first response. and i guess i'll stick by that. it's not worth it to lose that friendship and get ignored for the rest of my life. sadly, i am still hanging on.
hoping that this cloud's silver lining appears soon.
naive? you bet. but i guess that's just me. realised today that i am still rather naive and innocent. not in the pure minded sense but intentions and all i guess. i still trust too easily, like fabian has always said i did. i forgive (most of the time) very easily. must leave abit of space for anomalies. :D and well, i guess i still hang on very much to my child like thinking that the world will love me if i love the world. know it isn't the best thing to stay as though im only 5 up in my brain. but im just hoping that it makes things less complicated. it's tiring. i want a break. yawns.
yc senior's retreat
Sunday, April 20, 2008 @ 9:58 PM
okay. didn't say much abt going for the retreat previously. but i still went. :D i can definitely say that i thoroughly enjoyed myself. no regrets definitely!
one reason i renjoyed myself was definitely cos of the company. the bunnies are really fun! :D and of course, who can forget my sweets! the three of you seriously make my days. and NIGHTS! bedtime was super fun with sweets. :D hints. you all know what i mean la!
the sessions were definitely meaningful. me and jo concluded that it was definitely not what we expected. actually i did la. seeing it being an ihm camp. but well jo, welcome to ihm! :D officially camping alr! and i know u like the mattress part right. haha! secretly! but truly, it was a memorable camp. the first with the ycs officially. thanks alot for being so acceptive of us. lovee.
okay. cam whore pictures might be up when i get it from kenneth. :D till then. bye!
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cel: couldn't agree more with you my dear! :D
meiqi: really la. bunny not so fat one. bunnies are more bouncy. not fat. ):
zac: aww. :D you smiled at me! HAHA! miss you loads laa.
anneeee: HELLO! fine fine fine. tired? stressed? you get the picture. sighhs. we haven't met up for vday. HAHAHA!
extra lessons
Tuesday, April 15, 2008 @ 9:17 PM
okay. welcome to the fantastic world of extra lessons. well, this is just the beginning. RAH! so now i not only have extra geog remedial (like the one today), i also have gp extra lessons. i'ld rather gp i guess, though preferably none. seriously, lessons should
not never be at anywhere near 3 or 4. my brain doesn't work! was almost falling asleep during the geog written assignment. snores.
SIGHS.
today was jamie's bday! no photos though. abit too rushed. SORRY! and im super sorry that i didn't wish you in the morning. gulps. was trying my best to surprise you! and does the fact that you didn't realise anything mean that im starting to be like less obvious. haha! i hope you like the wallet ting and maydear got for you! and the pretty book of course! my pride lah. :D
and this weekend's yc senior retreat. im going for it! okay. don't be astonished. haha! pulled jo along with me. grins. THANK YOU for coming with me! helps alot la.
and now, i guess it's back to the world of charles dickens. have i ever told you that charles dickens' great expectations really has great expectations on us by thinking that we can plough through this thick, boring book that has way too much details and drones on and on? well, if no, you now know. gotta complete my cyp. what is cyp? chart-your-progress. right. not that it isn't good lah. but im just very tired out! just woke up at like 9 for dinner. just knocked out. and it didn't help that it was raining today! on a day when i forgot to bring my umbrella! RAWR!
so much for ranting. gna do my work now. :D yawns. haha.
RAH!
Sunday, April 13, 2008 @ 10:31 PM
im thoroughly irritated. i don't owe you people anything okay. it's not fun waiting as though there's nothing better i have to do. just cos i take the effort, i get ignored. rah! changed it so many times and what did i get from it? maybe im just a lousy pork which can't even organise a simple thing. don't see a point in putting in the effort and getting snubbed. not the first time. don't see it being the last either.
on an entirely different issue, but somehow related, enough is enough i guess. time to snap out of
it. yes, it. im walking away from it. but my decision isn't resolute i must say. all it takes is a tap on my back and i'll turn back. but well, it's not happening. so i guess i'll just be on my way. away.
friday nights
Saturday, April 12, 2008 @ 9:37 AM
supposed to be done at cel's house now. but guess im just too tired. gulps. sorry!
we went out ytd for a little girl's night out. :D miss the times loads. all the gossipping and bitching. hohoho! food was the lovee. XLBs. (xiaolongbaos) well the most hilarious was us cam whoring at cel's place. HILARIOUS! friday nights should be spent like this! can't wait to really graduate and have a bit more free time. for now, im happy i guess!
well, these few days are super packed. celebrations after celebrations. goshh. so many things so little time! TSK! okay. so now i've gotta wash up to go for novena. with my darling. thn, it's on to lesson planning and the workshop thing for the m'sian catechetical series. gahhs. alrights. BYE!
and if you're wondering why im not blogging much, it's cos of the OTHER. haha!
study study study!
Saturday, April 5, 2008 @ 10:49 PM
spent part of my day studying. rather proud of myself! :D seldom that i start studying on saturdays. about eveningtime, got cheated by germaine. ended up going for yc. im such a easy person to cheat! they just had to say they needed someone to help them set up the laptop! im so lousy! tsk!
germaine came my house for abit of dinner. thn we studied till supper! chatted quite alot! :D and planned stuff. TOP SECRET! day well spent! HOHOHO!
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syl: ehh, im not sure leh. we can do on demand i guess! what do you need? :D
na: stop 'mooning' me! so sad. ): HAHA!
cel: we deproved quite abit ytd. sighs. toh wasn't very happy. said that we are unsually out of tune. can't hear and all. throats hanging by a thread. gulps!
broken again
Tuesday, April 1, 2008 @ 11:17 PM
today was devastating you could say. i don't know what i feel anymore after writing draft after drafts. im scared. im worried. i just wanna hide somewhere where no one can see me and then cry my heart out. how did things turn this way again. im emotionally and mentally drained.
but thanks to those who offered support and love. i definitely appreciate it. but i feel lonely on this journey. not cos no one's supporting me. but rather cos im going through this alone. i daren't throw all my troubles on someone lest it breaks. think about the idiom of not putting all your eggs in one basket as you will lose everything you have if it breaks. same logic.
tear me apart once more. i cry.
