my dilemma
Monday, April 21, 2008 @ 9:08 PM
realised that actual blogging is a luxury nowadays. don't really have time to sit down and think about stuff. godma came just now and had a talk with me. cried buckets. okay. emotional me. but it really felt nice to know that someone believed in you for who you are. and not judge you against what the world wants you to be. esp when u fall short of it and people laugh and point fingers at you. it can be so trying sometimes. crying it out felt good. realised that i just kept running away after that. just kept running. i didn't dare to stop and think of the alternative. nor of any consequence. i just didn't wanna face it. since it's forced on me today, had no choice yeah. felt much better after letting out all my frustrations. and it was good to be reminded that god is with me through it all. no matter what happens. even if im asked to leave after mid years, it won't make me less of a person. it prob just means im not suited for this path i guess.
and other things i kept inside. it's frustrating to wait one after another. when one storm calms, another seems to stir at the other end. don't know how im gna cross it definitely.
all the ambiguity's killing me. anxious, excited yet afraid at the same time. shoess asked a good question today.
are you ever gonna tell? no was my first response. and i guess i'll stick by that. it's not worth it to lose that friendship and get ignored for the rest of my life. sadly, i am still hanging on.
hoping that this cloud's silver lining appears soon.
naive? you bet. but i guess that's just me. realised today that i am still rather naive and innocent. not in the pure minded sense but intentions and all i guess. i still trust too easily, like fabian has always said i did. i forgive (most of the time) very easily. must leave abit of space for anomalies. :D and well, i guess i still hang on very much to my child like thinking that the world will love me if i love the world. know it isn't the best thing to stay as though im only 5 up in my brain. but im just hoping that it makes things less complicated. it's tiring. i want a break. yawns.
