Saturday, June 14, 2008 @ 5:47 PM
one more week left. im getting a really bad feeling. maybe this wasn't my path to start with. thought of alternative plans and kinda made sure i've got my safety harness ready in case i get pushed or jump as though i'm going bungy jumping. my mind's in a completely distrupted state. totally confused and worn out. how much longer is this torture gonna last? maybe leaving which i've been fearing for one and a half years will be my answer, my release.
been thinking alot lately. im becoming very unsure of myself. of who i am or like what im doing. not emo-ing. but like just plain thinking. i used to be so sure of who i am, what i was doing and what i was gonna do. i had my plans, i was on track. now, im not even sure whether the path i was gna choose is right. caught in a dilemma between pursuing tourism which i've been chasing and the world of design i'm so used to. meeting people is kinda like who i am but designing and all are like what i grew up with. which kinda determines who i am too? okay. i think im gna turn schizophrenic soon and start tearing my hair out. and i've really been giving thought to the notion of being able to succeed even if i don't finish my a's. officially or beautifully. either. with money, most things seem possible. of course u have to want to do it. what's a year or five? as long as i get to my destination and be the best that i can there.
i should start taking my own advice. the one i told jamie last year. but maybe it's this sense of foreboding that's stopping me. didn't someone once assure me that the more times you fall, the easier it is to get up? the person apparently lied to me. i don't want to fall the third time. once was shattering. twice was unsettling. i don't know what the third will be. it's just this sense of losing that i hate. losing the habit or the friends i've gotten used to again. that i have to leave again if things go wrong this time. but yeah, i know. instead of thinking so much, why not spend my efforts and energy on working instead? well, i just wanna cushion myself in the event that i do fall. hard as it is to admit, im still afraid of falling.
things i can never put into words. things i still left unsaid. well, i know no one knows me so well that they know those parts. so let me retreat and hide for awhile while i know the storm is approaching.
